Toni is crying tonight. I don't know what is wrong for sure. She's bored and hot this summer and feeling hopeless. I got her to walk Sammy dog at the nursing home tonight and she did O.K with that but kept saying I seemed crabby and preoccupied. Yeah, I guess but so what. Later on I got her to look up infromation about colleges and school and thats when she bummed out on me. She wanted to do something fun tonight but money is short and after a long day I don't feel like doing anything but working out to relax and shower and make dinner and maybe get a little housework done. She never does anything to help me so thats all I have time for. Maybe I could make a deal with her if she did some housework we'd go see a dollar movie, but it's hard still on a week night. There is simply not time to do a lot with her and I just want to chill out and do something healthy at the YWCA and  walk those dogs. That centers me. I don't think too much of fun on a week night.. I think she's acting a little spoiled but I won't say it because it will start a big nasty fight between us and I don't have the energy or time to go on a major bummer along with her. I'm having enough trouble.

Today at work I talked to a young coworker(30 years old)I had never really talked to about being a working single parent. She has a two year old child and she works 108 hours a week. She can't get daycare or health insurance benefits for her child because she makes too much money. But she spends it all on gas and mortgage. We were talking for quite a while and I really admire all her work and it makes me feel like a big whiner because here I am whining about working 56 measly hours a week and my kid is 3/4 grown. I maybe could and should be working harder. But I want to work smarter and I want to get ahead. I don't want to keep slaving away and earning next to nothing. We talked about praying for a better life and not having a lot of me time. We talked about not being able to give our kids things they wanted sometimes but just making enough to get what is needed.

Today I also called Park Nicollet clinic trying to get scheduled for a neuro so I can rule out the bullshit so I can have more confidence in what I can do. I have a feeling something  is wrong-brain injury but I just don't know for sure. Maybe it is something else. But  I'm getting frustrated with the referral runaround that is taking hours out of time I need to be at work.

 There's a driver named Steve who transports my guys to Chaska who is so negative about his disability (It looks as though he has a prosthetic leg) that he won't even try to buckle my guys seat belts for them or take down the lift for them in the winter so they don't have to risk a slip on the sidewalk.. I caught him taking off once with one of my guys unbuckled and I made him stop so I could climb in and buckle him in. I don't want to make excuses in my career life and I see how sometimes I whine and sometimes I have a negative behavior pattern like that dumb driver. And the only reason I call him dumb is because he is negative and I can tell he pities himself. Even if something is wrong I don't plan to have a crappy attitude about it. This talk I had with my coworker today really made me think that nothing should stop you if you want a better life. You just have to keep trying but in another way it speaks of a draconian society in which a mother can have no time or peace to enjoy her time with her young because the government does not want to use tax money to help women and children who are trying really really hard. I will pray for us both. Here's a favorite Natalie Merchant song on mothers and kids doing without from the time when a wise president (Roosevelt) saw the need to help those who try hard to help themselves.

Dust Bowl
[ music : Robert Buck / lyrics : Natalie Merchant ] 

I should know to leave them home. 
They follow me through the store 
with these toys I can't afford. 
"Kids, take them back, you know better than that." 
Dolls that talk, astronauts, T.V. games,
 airplanes, they don't understand and how can I explain? 
I try and try but I can't save. 
Pennies, nickels, dollars slip away. 
I've tried and tried but I can't save. 

My youngest girl has bad fever, sure. 
All night with alcohol to cool and rub her down. 
Ruby, I'm tired, try and get some sleep. 
I'm adding doctor's fees to remedies 
with the cost of three day's work lost. 
I try and try but I can't save. 
Pennies, nickels, dollars slip away. 
I've tried and tried but I can't save. 
The hole in my pocketbook is growing. 

There's a new wind blowing they say, 
it's gonna be a cold, cold one. 
So brace yourselves my darlings, 
it won't bring anything much our way 
but more dust bowl days. 

I played a card in this weeks game. 
Took the first and the last letters
in three of their names. 
This lottery's been building up for weeks. 
I could be lucky me with the five million prize, 
tears of disbelief spilling out of my eyes. 
I try and try but I can't save. 
Pennies, nickels, dollars slip away. 
I've tried and tried but I can't save. 
The hole in my pocketbook is growing. 

There's a new wind blowing they say, 
it's gonna be a cold, cold one. 
So brace yourselves my darlings, 
it won't bring anything much our way 
but more dust bowl days. 
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