Last night I took Toni to Annice's class at the YWCA. Annice is what every intructor should be. She's not loaded with ego or meanness. She's not full of herself. She doesn't exclude the uncoordinated probably because she herself has mastered coordination. She has mastery and self assurance. I just wish she was our We Can Ride instructor. It's funny how someone with real strength does not need to make others feel small or less important. I'm so grateful I found her class. It's really a bright spot in my week and it really challenges me and helps me trust that there are still good people in the world. At the end of the class she gave every class member a high five. She's got skills. I admire that.

Yesterday, Toni wrote me a signed statement saying, "I will never give birth to a baby." That works so much better for me than carcinogenic health hazard birth control methods. Best of all it was her idea. She thinks maybe she'll adopt when she's financially stable and the kid is less dependent. Try age 25 then Antonia. She may adopt a 25 year old one day. Even then they still need you.

Toni says she wants to become a vet which I think is going to be challenging for her academically and emotionally. I wanted to become a vet when I was a kid. I love animals so much and I'm kind of remedial at human relationships which is part of the reason why I work with the population that I work with. I'm not good at science. Many of the vets I've worked with seem a little remedial with humans. They are nice people but they kind of suck at communication. Dr. Kate Knutson. Dr. Barkheusen. Dr. McMenomy. Dr. Gatto. All very nice people but just a little oblivious to communication fine points.Thats why they have to have rounds twice a day at Pet Crossings. Unless they made a formal effort to communicate I don't know if they would ever understand what the rest of the team was up to. I can see Toni fitting right into that category. But can she handle the academics and the hard work and the emotional challenges of Vet school. It can't be easy. Time will tell

Myself I need  to take it very slow in the communication area. I would say many of my coworkers are slightly people remedial as well in some way. Whether they are overcoming bully tendencies(Marc) or trying not to be such aristocrats(Terri B.) or just recovering from being different in some way.  There is a lot of diversity in my feild. I like that. But it gets confusing. Peoples issues constantly crossing lines and we don't always have all the skills in the world to deal well with it all. Especially me and maybe I project that issue onto others. At least I know I'm socially remedial. Some people like to scapegoat and say, Oh it's all this persons fault. I don't like that kind of human relations dynamic. It can never be all one persons fault. Like it or not we're all to blame. We all mess up sometimes. Some just more than others. Ahem.

Anyway back to Antonia. I know I'll pray for her to make it. I will try to help her in whatever way I can. Life plans can change so much when you are young. I just hope she finds something that makes her go to work happy and helps her get what she wants out of life. I'm trying to encourage her to go for a vet tech. or a vet assistant program first so she can get a job at the University Animal Hospital. If she works there full time she can network and she can get free tuition. At least thats the way the University Benefits were ten years ago.Whatever she does I just want her to be happy and self supporting. Will that ever happen? Right now she seems so content just playing gameboy or doing her artwork. Will she have the intestinal fortitude to bring her dreams to reality? Me, I'm not that much of a goal pusher. I just want her to be O.K with her life for the long run. Whatever it takes to do that she needs to decide. But I will push her independence. I want a little more freedom as an old lady but I do love her always and I will help her always. Just the way my dad and mom have been there for me. So maybe I don't suck quite that much as a parent. Deep down I know she's my world. That freaks me out sometimes. This intensity of the connection between parent and child is hard for me personally. But one day when I'm gone maybe she'll read this blog and know I always loved her no matter how pissed off I got with her. Maybe thats my big goal in life is to establish that bond with her and to show it unconditionally. Whether or not she picks up her plates or her dirty clothes or does her homework. I still love her. Thats a tough one but may be the purpose of my life.