I actually got some housework done this weekend which is good because it was reaching the critical mark. The next step is decluttering. That will be a milestone. I don't know why I let it get so bad. Probably all those job sites where I've had to clean with my clients. The last thing I want to do when I get hime is  more of it.

Theres not a whole heck of a lot to write about although I can usually expand on some sort of minutia in my life. At the YWCA last night as I was working out I was thinking about Annice's class and that I hadn't been to it in a while. I want to get in better condiion because I feel like I'm going to get an injury sometimes in there although I've seen people in worse shape in that class. I really like that class though. It's kind of hot inside the YWCA rooms too with everyone sucking in the same air with all thier lung capacity. It is air conditioned but sometimes it feels like it isn't. I'll get back to that class in the fall I think. I have to go at my own pace for a while and I have to get to where I can comfortably handle 45 minutes of straight aerobic excercise. I was thinking of how the YWCA could be more of a community. Everyone goes and does there own thing but they rarely connect and they are all in their own worlds. I was thinking there should be Minneapolis YWCA internet message board for people to encourage eachother on their work out goals or buddy up so they don't feel scared in the parking lot going to their cars. Maybe exchange babysitting with eachother. (Thinking of the younger moms there). One night I saw this young woman yell at her husband because he got to work out and he left her with the baby and she needed to work out too. I felt so bad for her. The thing thats really lacking that is so simple and crucial to health is a feeling of connection and a feeling of being cared for by your community. I can sense such a need for it.

Well, off my soap box and on to my workday.

I just got back from the overnight shift and saw Will, the caretaker and his son whose about twenty something in the parking lot. That is a Brady Bunch scenario from hell. Anyhow I went out of my way to avoid him again and as I fight feelings of guilt and I'm not all that or a sack of chips, I think about my own crush on the other guy (to be hereto referred to as TGIL-the guy I like) who is very much not Will. Anyway I was thinking of boundaries and adult responsibilities to be appropriate and mind your manners so people can be comfortable if they don't share the same feeling about you. It happens and it just is and I'm just not the kind of woman to ask a guy out. I would be too embaressed and I'm afraid the answer would be no. I can't think of what it was that caused the crush to happen. Maybe the kindnesses. I was so down on men as jerks for the longest time and then this kindness was shared and it just melted me, like I had never seen kindness in men before. I have not seen kindness without strings attached.

Anyway I was thinking of boundaries and how it is important to mind them and trying to have good manners in relationships with friends or aquaintences. I was thinking I want to have relationships again if only friendships with guys and also women of course. I just don't get out much and I know I need to. So I've been looking for ways to make friends that are more activity or friendship oriented. There's the Italian group. There's the Bahai center. There is the YWCA. There just has to be more good ways of meeting people just to do fun things. Once in a great while I'll do something with the people I work with but really I want to get away from my worklife and I like my coworkers and I like doing things once in a while but it always seems so work oriented and someone will invariably be venting and talking shop which we all need (to vent) but I need to get away from it once in a while too. So anyhow I'm looking for ways to have fun with friends and not rush into a relationship.

I have to go do my overnight shift at the group home pretty soon. I just got home with Toni from the YWCA. The creepy caretaker was cleaning windows rather than hitting on female tenants tonight and I didn't want to be so obviuos about going out of my way to avoid him but I just couldn't stand to say hi to him. I feel so uncomfortable and then I think of the guy I like and wonder if he feels the same way about me that I feel about this caretaker. Leave me alone! or Lascia mi sta if I want to start using my Italian more.

Anyway I don't wan't to make him mad or anything. I just want him to leave me alone. It puts me in mind of boundaries again and why we need them.

I got my work done today at the office and emailed Terri B. that my clients progress review was done after I polished it off. That gave me a good sense of accomplishment. My coworker Teresa invited me out with her and Rebecca and Cindi Turner for drinks at Figlio's. Right near where I live and I wanted to go this time. I really did want to go for a change but I'm broke. I didn't want to tell her that because she would have offered to pay and I don't want to borrow from anyone at work. 

My clients parent called me at work because he left the items she had him shop for at Target. It was Jasmine rice and Propel water. I think the Jasmine rice was a five pound bag so it must have been quite a bit of money. They are really into cooking. My client will tell me what he had for dinner the night before and he always says,, "it was sooo good!" Cute but the guy is so organizationally challenged. Just like me only much worse. Anyway I called Target guest service and it hasn't turned up and I felt really bad for him and the mom because he tries so hard to have that helper role and I know how important that is to our clients to be needed as well as loved. Anyway I was wondering if she wanted me to go back to Chaska to look for it. That would have been a tall order and one I would never offer. Boundaries again even though I do feel guilty about it I just can't swing it. Besides my gas tank is low and I'm broke again and have to make it to work tonight. Then the line "am I my brothers keeper?" came up in me because it always does when this stuff happens with the clients. And you are reminded that in this line of work you really are your brother's keeper and you are responsible for them in so many ways. It's really a challenge sometimes. But it's worth it. I just wish I wasn't so organizationally challenged myself. I did call Target and it didn't turn up yet.I really like that family a lot.

Toni is calling Gaetana "ghetto" for her habit of munching on toilet paper. Such a strange kitty.

I was thinkng of the guy I like and then I was thinking I wonder if he knows I do. Yesterday I was thinking of coming out of the closet with it. Yes it is a guy. I guess I keep a lid on everything and anything that could be potentially stigmatizing. He's about ten or more years older than me and I thought of what Daniela said about the body being only a sac but his sac has a cute smile, nice biceps, twinkling blue eyes and no wedding ring. Then sometimes I see these old geezers in the supermarket with their canes and I think thats going to be him in about ten years! How can I manage to go that slow? Well I still think, lets see. I don't know if I want forever. I just want to get to know the guy. So what should I do short of writing his name here. It could  a public service announcement. It would be a service to those around me who think I'm just a crabby person and need to get a life. I think he knows and something is in the way like a girlfriend or a feeling that I'd dump him in two months for a younger guy. I know I'm not like that but I do think aging is funny. The best thing about him is spirit and I tend to stay with a spirit until it no longer shines.

Nonna Gaetana never lost her spirit until the day she died. She was fun up until the end.

But now I think maybe this guy knows and just doesn't like me back. Maybe he thinks I'm fat. Maybe he's the shallow one. Maybe he thinks I'm weird. Yeah I would say so. Somewhere between eccentric and bag lady. To be eccentric you should be rich, brilliant or very educated. I can't flatter myself that much. The bag lady thing-I'm not quite out on the street but I can see certain similarities to women who are.

I've also noticed our body types don't quite match. We are about the same height and I know I outweigh him, which I've been working on. He's not skinny though. Which is good.

Daniela said the body is a sac that holds the spirit. So is there any connection between his spirit and mine? I just don't know. On my side there is. But it has to be a two way street you know. I could use a little help here. Guys can be dense sometimes. They don't get that you like them until you hit them over the head with it. Maybe he doesn't want to get it though. I'm trying to be open to that possiblility too. How can he not know though? Maybe he thinks it's a phase. A half a year phase. I've been trying to divert myself and be open to other things with little or no success.

I just got home from work. We had the all staff meeting at P.R.I today. Vicky showed me and David Lassegard a picture of Zander and a card about his memorial. We talked about it a little bit before the meeting. Dave asked how Tammy was and I was kind of speechless as usual. I guess I don't know what to make of it but there was Zander in the picture looking like a fighter on those breathing tubes and it just made me think of all of our clients and how much between heaven and earth their existance lies and how hard they fight every day to be included and loved and respected.. Zander would have been developmentally delayed if he had survived and I think Tammy would have loved him no matter what, and would have treasured the experience and the challenge of it. I've seen her love our clients. Vicky said it was just a random hardship to be filed under shit happens but I don't really know and I don't pretend to. What I know for sure is that I don't know. All I know is I want to give to that memorial for Zander though. If you saw that picture and worked with these clients you'd get it.

Before the meeting Norm the director had us take a minute to memorialize Zander and he lit a candle and everybody was thinking or praying and trying to find the sense in it. I think it resonated through all of us though. That baby's fight was the fight we help our clients fight every day. More important than anything is how much we can love them and eachother. It's really hard some days. You think of all the other crap in your life and sometimes you feel used up and sometimes there are other things competing for your attention to the work. It's hard to hang in there and do the mundane every day but it is indescribably mystical some days. Some days it's just hard. You don't see a monetary reward and you have to look deep to feel rewarded. The reward seems to be the connections we make with eachother and the community as we help them.

So Norm talked too about the new grant writer coming in September-the one I asked if I could assist. His name is Dan Reed and he gave a talk at P.R.I on autism one time. I still wonder if Terri was serious when she said she would suggest to Norm that I get the chance to do this and that it's really important to me. I so much want to stay with P.R.I. Everyone knows me and I don't get along with everyone there but I feel at home somehow. I love the clients and I know I need to slog through the mundane a little better than I currently do to get to where I want to be. I also have to manage my emotions better than I currently do. I'm best known there for an occasional nasty rant on any coworker who gets on the wrong side of me. It's not personal really. I just have my dad's temper which is a real handicap in the workplace and I have to work on that I know. I really  want to stay there. All the things that are happening within the agency are really cool. They are going to start a foundation with Thrivent corporation. The Humphrey Center at the University of Minnesota is supporting P.R.I and so is Medtronic. It's amazing and I really want to be a part of it. I haven't been trying hard enough frankly and  I feel  bad about that. When  I look at Zander fighting like that I  have to say, I haven't been trying hard enough.

I had another questionably bad dream. The quiet well mannered teenage cart attendant at Target was going postal. Maybe I project in my dreams.

So which of us doing what jobs have suppressed rage. I am reading some interesting blogs lately and if you want to think about creative anger management at work you have to read the Pizza Guy blog. It's great.

Back at the ranch (P.R.I) today my coworker Chris said he and I should go on a vacation together together to get anywhere the hell out of here. I asked which of us was paying and he said "Oh, you figure it out. You just write up a grant.You'll think of something." That made me think that somehow people know I want to write grants and maybe they don't think I'm serious. I have been dragging my feet on my regular client report deadlines again because I'm bored out my skull most days at work. There's no way they are going to let me grant write if I can't meet deadlines though. Part of me is giving up and then part of me thinks wait, maybe I'm just winding up for my second round here and that maybe I need to direct my abilities somewhere else. Maybe I do need to do an internship. I just wish I could find a paid one.But I have no background or proof I can grant write other than a communications degree and a feeling that I could do it very well. Maybe I'm wrong though. I'm getting pretty bummed out about not getting a chance yet though. Well, I'll think of it this way. If I do get an internship it's like free education and its hard with time so challenged as it is but I have to do something. I can't live in this crappy apartment forever just barely making enough to convince myself it's alright.
 
I was just hoping it could the internship part of it could be happening in a regular work day. Well hoping isn't always good enough. I have to do something.

A bad dream. I had a bad dream about my sister in law Michelle. It was this paper I found that I wasn't supposed to see. It was a joke between her and her best friend and it was criticizing Toni who in the dream was still a young child. I remember feeling really sad and angry as I read it. In real life it has been that way and I feel sad everytime I drive down highway 7 and the Hopkin's crossroad near their house. . I  feel sad for both her and my brother Dave and their two children, John and Sophie. We don't see eachother anymore and I think they are resentful that I still have a relationship with both my mother and my father which they clearly don't. Two Christmases back Dave yelled at mom for sticking up for me and my youngest brother Gino who were under critical fire with Michelle. It's all really complicated and it doesn't have much to do with Antonia except she makes an easy target for Michelle and Dave who I can't help but see as racist and unfair. Over the years it has been really painful for me to go over to their house and put up with their unique brand of ignorance and meanspiritedness. In a way  I'm glad in a way we're estranged but also sad that it has to be that way. Most the time I just put it out of my mind. I try not to drive by that part of highway 7 purposely.  Anyway I wish it was different. I won't go into too much history. It's just painful.

This is why I'm so glad we have Christy and Gerry her mentors who constantly show her love no matter what she does that it seems all kids do anyway. I don't hold any of them real accountable for what they say or do until they are 18. If I did I could make my own slam list about Michelle's kids. But I'm not that way. It would be too easy and too unfair.

I took care of getting a medical condition checked that I had been wondering about for a while now and I feel relieved because finally I'll have an answer but also a little anxious. At the risk of sounding like an old lady who can think of herself only in terms of what is falling apart or not working I'll spare you. There are many other things to think about in a day.

Last night I went to the Italian conversation group at the Barnes and Noble in the Har Mar mall in Roseville.  I met his woman named Daniela who was talking about symbols and language in Sanskrit as being a universal language with direct ties to the heavens. And it got deeper than that and I was able to understand her fairly well as she was talking about Dante Aleghieri's Divine Comedy and Virgil and Celtic crosses as they relate to something in Sanskrit and the Etruscans. It was a long way form my morning spent with the poo head and buffalo butt language that my clients immerse me in. I was starved for a challenge but it was a little overwhelming. Then there was Giorgio who came a little later than I did. I had met him 3 or four times before. Last night he was talking about matter and antimatter and energy in different life forms. It was fascinating. I don't know how I can understand all this without being able to wrap my mind around enough Italian grammer and language to speak it. I think it's just an odd phenomenon that I can understand but not speak it very well. But I get stuck that way sometimes in English too. I spent the first twenty years of my life listening to Italina relatives and speaking a little of it. Now I never hear it unless I go to this group or rent a movie in Italian or listen to Italian music. It's really rusty but I have a feeling it would be good for me to get through some of my mental sludge by learning how to converse in it. I never was that good at speaking it even when my grandparents were around to speak it with. I could ask a question but not the way I wanted to. So when I go to this group there are always native speakers and some young bilingual people that have the questions in their minds and on their toungues that I want to ask but can't seem to formulate and it's all fascinating to me. I've been starved for an intellectual challenge after my particular work day. So anyway if you listen to Giorgio and Daniela, what they talk about could keep a person busy for ages trying to soak it all in and read enough to get up to speed with them. Daniela said last night that the mind is like a muscle. If you don't use it, it gets weak. I noticed they are both natural teachers.They try to make themselves understood. They include everyone and they make sure everyone is getting it before they go on. They will ask you questions to see if you are getting their ideas. There are no teachers in the group but it just naturally happens that some people teach as they converse which is great when it's free. The education system in Italy must be much more than what we get because their minds are so engaged compared to the average American. I'm a little bit in awe of them. It makes me want to shake off the cobwebs of the mundane that are usually going through my mind and look around me to find more elaborate ways of thinking and problem solving. It's all about enlightenment.

Another weird day at Target.The guys were awful in the morning but then got more focused toward the end of the day. This morning B. went off and bought himself a microphone with his credit card. J. took off and bought herself batteries and junk food and then a cashier tried to lend her money and I was like no way, J. return your junk and of course I was feeling a little pissed and trying hard not to convey it because it was like a rerun of the chaos we had yesterday. I needed to talk to one of the B.s about the way he took off yesterday and I couldn't do that because J. needed help doing her return and as I'm helping her return her junk she's calling me a poo poo head under her breath. It's like making three year olds work. It's crazy sometimes and I am not the only one who goes through this. If you talk to any of my coworkers we ask ourselves daily why we put up with this everyday and sometimes we run short of answers. So luckily that was all going on before they clocked in. I somehow got them to turn their days around and to be accountable. I just am not sure how. I guess my magic wand is out of the shop.

The real reason is that I tried really hard today to be focused which I am always telling one of my clients to do. I have the same trouble but not as extreme. I tried really hard to be on them about the stuff they do and to get some accountablity from them. The one who had the toughest day was J. She forgot the order she's supposed to use in Food Avenue but news flash, I was able to remember she is D.D despite her very normal appearance (maybe the fact that she called me a poo poo head this morning helped me realize more what I'm up against with her level of D.D.)and so I helped her a little and calmly asked her tomorrow to do it in the order it needs to be done. When I asked her if she did tables she said JoJo did them earlier but they didn't look so good because there had been customers since Jojo did them and this just does not occur to my client. It also doesn't occur to her that someone is not there to do her job or carry her weight.  It is important to do tables first because if they are messy they wont get customers and the sweeping is next and refilling condiments is last unless they are totally out of something. It is so hard to remain positive when they are doing this stuff but I learned in a marketing class that the message has to be positive or no one will buy what you are trying to sell them or convince them of. It's hard to remember that every day amidst this ongoing chaos. It's hard to stay positive and not show how irritated you are.

Now it is time to face my own dependency demons. I sometimes take favors from people too. This past year when my cat was really sick I wrote checks that were postdated and I felt really bad about it because it said about me that I couldn't pull my own weight. I always paid with cash on the day I was paid and got the receptionist to return the check to me which was pretty much worthless and I knew that the trust that took and the kindness it took to do that was not required of this business. Sometimes when my clients are dealing with an issue it comes up in me. How do I feel about borrowing. It's not really a good scenario and it is asking a lot of an aquaintance. It puts a stress on the relationship that shouldn't be there. Thats what I learned from my mother and other people in this culture. Now let me talk about my dad just a little. He was always jumping in to rescue me and sometimes still does and this is why I have a little trouble with yours and mine and definately not ours. I am always struggling not to rescue my clients and I am always struggling to keep up good boundaries and teach them the right way to do things.But do I do it myself?

Sometimes my guys seem so needy and they look so weak but they are deep down capable of doing these jobs and not being quite so dependent on the kindness of strangers. Now when I think of myself in relation to money and service boundaries, I think of the times that I had to make Chester wait for care because I didn't want keep up a pattern of  borrowing and I wanted to keep boundaries appropriate. The thing is you probably shouldn't have three cats if veterinary care is a struggle to afford. I want to believe I can handle my own problems. That was a really hard one to learn but then what did I do just a month after he died but adopt Gaetana. It wasn't like replacing him. I just was grieving and I take my weekend clients to the humane society so much that I ineveitably fall in love with one or more. She seemed to need me too and this is where it gets fuzzy for me. My feelings always seem to cloud over doing the right thing. The responsible pet owner thing. The living according to my means thing. I don't like that about myself. I still owe my aunt 100 dollars for that ultrasound Chester had at the University of Minnesota animal hospital. I still owe the University of Minnesota twelve dollars towards Chester's Euthanasia. My behavior doesn't always make sense and I have to look at that and I have to deal with why.

Last night Toni and I watched that Jim Carey movie Fun with Dick and Jane which is so extremely funny. The first time we saw it it seemed like our life. We were struggling through a bad Christmas and Chester was so sick and we were paying all these veterinary bills. We saw it at the Hopkins theater for a dollar on a tuesday night when it was the cheapest. It was the best dollar I ever spent because we both needed so badly to laugh about all the things that were going wrong in our own lives then and the great part about this movie is that they take the control back into their own hands in this really crazy way and it somehow works. It's the best screenwriting I've come across in a long time. I love the way the kid speaks Spanish because the parents are working so much and they leave him with the Mexican housekeeper all the time. It's such a funny plot and it's so original even though its a remake of an old movie. Now I have to see the old movie.

Another funny day at Target. The two guys are back from vacation and fighting again. I'm not quite sure how to make it stop. I think my magic wand is broken again.

My anxiety guy had another problem today after his coworker snapped at him a bit. He was in tears but that's not  like him. He usually just gets mad back. I tried to figure out where the tears were from because that is not his way at all. It could have been just stress after spending a weekend with his dad. I know that feeling well. I have to limit the time I spend with some of my family members sometimes. Imagine having no control over who you spent time with and when. That would be terrible. It would make me cry.

 I asked him to say what was wrong but he was beyond that. His feelings were too strong and he started shaking which is an indication of an anxiety attack so I asked him what he needed to get through the morning and he said he needed his P.R.N medication. He was doing so well up until that time. I tried to figure out if it was something I did or said  but I don't think so. I might have seemed like I was taking the other guys side too much. It's so hard with those two. They are always vying for attention or to be the favorite.

Meanwhile I am not getting all the communication I need from Target at this point. I like when they give us things to do when we don't already have regular assigned tasks.It just helps the day go smoother. On wednesday they clean the grocery freezer doors which seems to take them all day. It took less time when Vicky had them but I notice she didn't check their work either. On thursdays they stock candy and on fridays they dust part of the day in electronics. It is really hard to keep B. on task all day at cleaning because his attention span just isn't that long and he gets more behavioral during cleaning tasks. I wish there was a way for them to get more short tasks like watering plants and then sorting hangers or doing clearance tags. It just seems to work better for B.if he has a thirty minute task. If he can see when it's going to be over he tends to handle it better but all day cleaning does not work with his particular disability. Every likes and does well with variety in their work day too. It's not always a possibility but when it is possible I do see better productivity.  J. is another story though. She will stall no matter how you try to structure the time. She'll wait for the job coach to help but ideally I'm not supposed to do much of that and if I do end up helping , I need to be weaning her off dependence on my labor. My biggest flaw as a job coach is codependence. I will always jump in to rescue and I'm trying to get a handle on that impulse or else these guys will never do what they need to do. Helping too much gives them the message that they are helpless. I know that intellectually but it is so hard not to help. Especially with all the hardworking Target employees around and I'm just standing there watching and offering my guys helpful advice. It is a really hard position to be in sometimes. When my guys are lagging and I don't help them out I wonder if the Target staff thinks I don't care about their productivity. I really do. I just want them to be doing more for themselves because I know my weak point (helping too much)and I know that they will use my help to avoid what they need to do. I think I need to be more direct and more firm but then I wonder if Target staff thinks I'm an ogre. With most these guys though they don't understand anything but the most direct approach. Hemming and hedgeing and suggesting does not work so well. There are more methods and I know I need to apply them more. Reharsal of duties before work starts for instance and going over the employee handbook as it relates to fighting in the workplace. Stuff like that. I need to do more preparation and talk to the LOD's before the work day. I can never seem to find one when I need one though. We need to communicate better but I'm not quite sure how to make that happen. I do appreciate honesty. I wish they would tell the clients directly what they want and need. Ideally part of a job coaches role is to eliminate the need for them to always be the middle man. With D.D there is sometimes the necessity that the job coach intervene to help them understand what is expected but they could also tell the clients that they expect more from them when they do. I trust them to be kind about it. I know they don't always have the time to explain it all to them and thats really what my role is. To make sure they understand and that they carry out what they need to do. The employers role as I see is to clearly define the expectation to the job coach as well as the supported employee. Maybe I don't ask enough questions. I know thats another one of my weak points.

When I talk to my coworkers back at the office this is a normal day in the life of a job coach. It gets really silly and really weird sometimes but you just got to ride out the rough water with them until what needs to be happening with them is happening with them. Communication is the way to make it happen though. I really like when the employer tells me  what went well or didn't go so well. Thats why I like Jojo. When my cleints piss her off you always know about it and then you can try to get them to do better or give them more instruction/prompts.  I really like the ones who write up those coworker comment cards when my guys do a good job and I don't want to always be the one begging for them to be recognized. I want my clients to earn those not have me ask for them. I want Target employees to feel like they deserve to have those compliment cards about them. Not like it's obligatory or just a nice thing to do.

I saw the caretaker this morning on the way to the YWCA and he looked pissed off. He knows I don't reciprocate his interest. How can I. How can I like someone who doesn't get the idea that a woman does not want to feel harassed in her living environment? His liking me is all about him and not about me. That scenario sucks. I have feelings too.  I'm giving notice and I will be moving by september. This is so uncomfortable and I didn't even do anything to lead him on in any way although he may deluded about that. Maybe a smile and a hello are things he reads too much into.

Then I think of that guy I really like and I wonder if he thinks the same thing about me. I wonder if he thinks I'm only in it for me. I don't tink it's the same because I backed off when I needed to and I have no hard feelings. I kept my boundaries more or less. But now I wish there was some way to get past those boundaries enough to see if he likes me too. I'm just afraid to find out. I don't want to be like stalker caretaker guy . He always seems to find things to do right outside my window and when I look up he's looking in. Creepy. I don't want to be like that and I know I'm not that way. I could never let anything get that one sided. But how do you figure out if its' mutual  if you don't find some way to ask? I thought I kind of did but maybe I missed the mark or something. Maybe the message was unclear. I don't want to bug him or make him feel the way this caretaker makes me feel. That, please get out of my hair and leave me the hell alone, feeling.

I can't take another risk. I just have to let it go. That's the feeling I get.

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I'm 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on...
I'm 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day's a new day...
15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Yesterday, a child came out to wander
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Then, the child moved ten times 'round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, "When you're older", must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came,
and go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town
And they tell him, "Take your time. It won't be long now.
'Til your drag your feet to slow the circles down"

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through.

And the seasons they go 'round and 'round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and 'round and 'round
In the circle game
And go 'round and 'round and 'round in the circle game.

Yesterday I took Toni to go see Cars the Pixar animation movie. Toni is really into Pixar. The story line was really good too. It was about slowing down to appreciate what is around you. And the pixar animated short before the movie was so cute too. It was about a little girl with a little money deciding which street musician to give her money to and the musicians were competing for her money. One of them had a mandolin. I tell you my life is enchanted. Some days.

After that we went to get the cake. Toni does the design for her cakes and the poor bakery ladies at the Nicollet cub have to execute and I will say this here that those poor ladies are trying so hard to make kids happy with that old piece of crap computer so any Cub executives reading this site, it's time to upgrade upgrade upgrade and also market that you have great ladies in that Nicollet Cub bakery in South Minneapolis that are willing to take 3 hours for a CD picture to load so give them all a raise and some kudos. And market the fact that you can put a kids drawing on a cake. It's so much more precious than the latest Disney theme. But first upgrade those old dinosaurs before those Cub bakery ladies lose their minds!

Toni was delighted with her new monitor and later we had her party at Verla's. Christy and Jerry and Mom came. No other teenagers. There wasn't a lot of time to really plan it. Besides it would have been a zoo if you added her friends. Christy and Jerry are Toni's mentors. Christy has known Toni since she was seven years old. When Toni was about 13 or 14 Christy got married to Jerry and he's been great with Antonia too. They have two very sweet kids, Anika whose three and Nate whose about 7months old. So when I say I raised her alone thats not totally true. I had a little help. Every mother needs a little help.

I was noticing last night how grown up Toni looks and seems. I can't believe it sometimes. I just can't believe it.

It's Toni's 17th birthday. !7 years ago my mom was struggling through the downtown aquatennial traffic to get me to Abbot Northwestern hospital in south Minneapolis. She was freaking out because she couldn't get through. She needn't have worried. The labor took a long time. Even with the pitocin. This is the part I like to remember the best. The nursery at that time had a volunteer madolin player. He looked like he was Italian. He serenaded us off the elevator when we departed from the hospital. It was angelic and wonderful. I love the sound of Mandolins to this day.

I got Toni a new computer monitor last night. It was on sale with an instant rebate at Best Buy. Ours is acting up.There are shadowed lines across the picture and thats hard for Toni when she's working on her art work. I love her art work. I love how she sees animals and can evoke such a detail as the spark of light in their eyes.

I went along on a friendly bowling trip with some coworkers and a couple of clients the other night. They all asked about Toni and what she was doing this summer. Dave our employment guy at P.R.I gave me the name of a website for part time jobs. Sue and I talked about Toni and we talked about her daughter Heather who just got hired as the receptionist at the Minneapolis site and is doing a great job I hear. Then I talked to Cece about Toni saying she wants to become a veterinarian. I talked about her college plans and my hopes for her, that she will be happy in life with her choices. It's not that all I talk about is Toni but all three of them were thoughtful enough to ask about her which was very nice. Corey was there too. He's a young guy and he was very nice in the way he related to my clients which were once his clients and Sue and Dave's clients. He has such a nice rapport with them. It's very sweet. It restores my faith in men..
 
Cece works part time with troubled teens who are living in a group home setting. We talked about that a little.The teens she works with aren't developmentally delayed but the troubles in their lives sometimes render them educationally challenged. She is so compassionate though and I'm glad she works with those kids because she is not judgemental or spoiled like some I have known in that feild of work. Back in college I was doing a group project with this spoiled young woman who worked in the same program Cece did but felt fit to make fun of all the things those kids were going through. I couldn't stand working with that woman but I did and kept my mouth shut so I could graduate and hopefully make a better life for my own kid. Some people understand trouble and some just don't. They just add to it with their judgements. Maybe their lives have just been too easy. Those are what I think of as young souls. The ones that understand and act compassionately are old souls. They are just more spiritually evolved. Some part of me believes in reincarnation. Our souls are here to develop and evolve. Then they go back, make another life plan and come and work it out to progress toward compassion. I don't talk about it a lot. I just sense it.

Anyway Toni is 17 and I raised her mostly by myself which wasn't always smooth or easy but I think she knows I love her and I think she's going to be O.K. I pray for her every morning. Every time I touch her I hear the sound of mandolins.

On the relationship front.That guy I noticed/liked at Target is married.I heard him mention a wife. That's O.K because I have my work ethics and the way it can go with my guys and my focus issues if I take my mind off them for a minute surely disaster will follow. I would like to make friends there though. Its hard because they are there full time and they have their Target group culture and I'm always nervous about breaking into their conversations and I'm not sure how they see me. One on one I can talk to  them but groups are hard for me. They seem like nice people though. My guys are always needing attention right when I get interested in a conversation. But still the more I can connect, the more sane I'll be. It is sometimes extremely draining to try to follow the thought patterns of the guys in my group. I need some contact with people that can converse normally. It would just make the day go smoother. So please any Target staff person out there in cyberspace, talk to your lonely supported employment coaches everyday before they lose their respective minds!

And thanks to JoJo at Target for offering solace and for the short back rub after Dave took off. Thanks to her for being honest and open with me about what my guys are doing on the job. I need more of that honesty to help them do a better job.

Then the other guy I'm thinking of. The one I like the most. Should I say his name? I'm getting an uneven vibe that means he's married or something. I don't think married. Maybe some sort of problem. Maybe just disinterest. How direct do I have to be? I feel like I've taken enough chances here. I've put my neck on the chopping block too many times. I don't want to embaress him or myself any more than I've already done. I'm not a loose woman and I can accept no for an answer so lets just call this no and move on. He's a nice guy but not for me. Maybe he is married. So hard to move on.

I would never date a married man. I think that if two people have at one time been committed enough to take their vows up with God there is no way I would challenge what has been blessed. Two people trying to do the right thing and share a life. Anything else I think I could cope with except sociopathy or alcoholism. Practicing alcoholism. Recovering alcoholism maybe, if I really like/trust the guy. That would take a lot of concentration though. That would be high maintenance to be attentive to any signs of relapse and try to react the way you are supposed to. Recipes for sadness and disaster=married men, alcoholics, abusers, sociopaths, narcisissists. I won't be having any more of that.

From the time I was a teenager I never would have wanted a married man. It was always a part of what I believed. The other recipes for disaster I was wide open to  but not twice in my lifetime. You can't play dumb twice.

So there, those are my standards. I have not yet found anyone who matches the criteria of being really really likeable and really really straight and narrow. I'm looking for sanity and predictability in my life. Is it possible?

*Merde. Excuse my french. It's been that kind of day. The first problem du jour was that one of my clients took off from Target for a pack of cigarettes in the middle of a really bad thunderstorm with headphones on his head and rain pouring down on him. He didn't tell me where he was going or anything and to this minute I am shaken thinking of what could have happened to him. I took it in stride as usual when one of the Target employees pointed out that he had walked off in the rain and she had asked where he was going and he didn't answer and I asked her if he had his headphones on which makes him more vulnerable to traffic issues. He did.  I made sure the other two clients were safe and sound and let one of the other employees know I was going out to find my guy. So I took time to find an umbrella at Target which I feel guilty about because it took time that I could have been using to save his sorry ass. But I am so sick of them dragging me into their little mud puddles of poor reasoning that I took a minute to take care of myself. And I still feel like a bad person because of that. So I took off in my car to look for him and the sky was dark as could be and over on the main road some traffic lights were out so my heart was just pounding and I was getting more and more angry with him as I looked around. If he was my kid brother I would have kicked his ass. But I can't do that at work so I gave him what for when I got back to Target and they told me he was in the break room-drying off. I was so angry and afraid I would lose it with him totally but managed to say in a firm strong voice that I did not approve of him going off without telling me. I told him no way was he to leave the job site without telling me where he is going and asking permission. His risk maangement says he can be independent in the community but it also says he does not realize weather conditions. So he is allowed to go off in the community according to his team but this is a major risk at a job site when he won't check in with me to tell me where he's going and he won't remove his damn earphones so he can hear cars coming. I was so frazzled I can not begin to describe it and blaming myself too for not somehow tuning in that he was going to do that. For not being there each and every minute which is exactly what can drives a social service worker crazy because you can't be there each and every minute. You can only do your best. You are not a miracle worker or a mind reader. Now if someone would tell the people who observe and criticize that I might be a hppier person. And then too I felt that same self doubt that I felt when that rider at We Can Ride dismounted and Ruth the instructor yelled at me. Am I fit to be doing this job? I think so. I really care about each of them. Also my supervisor says I have a sixth sense for figuring what is going on with them. I'm kind to them too, even when I don't feel that way but it shook me up pretty badly. On top of that there's another issue with the behavior of another client who is pitching fits that he does not want to be go off with his dad on a vacation weekend while his mom studies to finish her PHD this week. How bizarre. It reminds so much of the way Toni was with her dad when I was trying to go through finals that time. How can I help but project? This client has a disability that may seriously distort how he interprets situations. Two months ago he made an accusation against his father that I had to report to my supervisor. I'm a mandated reporter. I don't have a choice. Now the guy is freaking out because he does not want to be alone with his dad. It could be a part of his disability and it could be that his dad is abusive but I would not like to think so. His dad is a doctor. Why can't it ever be a plumbers kid that makes these accusations. It's so hard to confront someone who has a lot of power. I called this clients mom today and got her take on it. She says theres a lot of visitors with the college age siblings at home that may be increasing his anxiety. I had to give him a klonopin P.R.N yesterday and today and I don't like to do that because it makes him spacey and accident prone. Not a good scene at the job site. I do not like to give him Klonopin and will give it only if he is visibly having an anxiety attack which he was both yesterday and today.

This leaves me with some very strong feelings. This anxiety guy is the one that I am so very fond of because he's so spunky and likes wrestling like my great grandma Gaetana. And he has those blue eyes. He's so much fun but not when he's like this. So what it made me feel like is that we go too fast maybe or have to much of an eye oon the brass ring. Maybe we need to listen better and be less goal oriented. Tell that to a Target manager. It makes me feel sorry for the time I left Toni with my ex husband who clearly and unmistakenly was a narcisist and an abuser. And I can't help but remember that when I see this. And I can't help but wonder if there is a problem although it is thouroughly feasible that his disability is what is causing his accusations against his dad.I just don't know but I do know he is very dear to me and I did all I could by calling his mom to get her to wonder about his behavior in the middle of trying to get her P.H.D  I just don't know and can't know whats up with all that. Maybe just disability talking there. But I took time this time so I guess I'm O.K with that although I feel frazzled as hell. Now how about my own kid. What does she need today?

Another of the biggest regrets in my life is that I now can do at work what I could never manage to do as a parent and I wish I could start all over again with Toni because my clients and this work has taught me to be consistent with consequences and rewards. It has taught me to be fair and firm. Qualities that I failed miserably at as I was parenting Toni because I was so intent on finishing my degree which took all I had with my own issues at that time. When I was done finishing my degree I was too intent on earning a living to relax enough to enjoy helping her grow up. Thats my biggest regret besides never getting to talk in depth to my grandparents. I wish I could tell that to my coworker who is working all those hours while she is raising a two year old. Hind sight is always twenty twenty. But at least I'm getting the idea now that I have to pay attention to what she needs and help her get to where she can be happy in life. Just to be there to say I'm sorry for all the screw ups and hold her hand as she strives to put her life together.. Thats what my clients taught me today. I told you this work is kind of mystical.

*Merde-French shit

Last night I was parked near the State theater waiting for Toni from about 10:15 to 11:00 unwillingly listening to this pretty bad street musician. I wanted to offer him ten dollars just to stop playing his music. It was annoying. I was nervous about finding Toni. She was almost the last one out. It seems like I waited forever. But she finally came out and she had a great time. Then we went home and I conked out. I was so tired.

Another headache this morning. Also I feel like I need to get a little more sleep so I'm off to dreamland for another half hour at least.

Well, back the rock pile today. I put in some extra time to make up for yesterday. My coworker Kelly hurt her knee at her husbands baseball game. Someone hit the ball right into her knee. It looked really sore. I don't want to write anymore about work though. Really not much to talk about there. Well there is but I just don't want to give it air time today.  Tonight I have to drive Toni downtown to the state theater to see Melissa Etheridge. Just dropping her off. I don't get to go although I like her music. Toni sold several drawing commissions online and earned enough for a pretty good seat at the concert. Over 100 dollars. She can be a self motivated kid-sometimes. Now I just wish she'd get a summer job.

I wanted to go to an Italian conversation group at the Har Mar Barnes and Noble bookstore tonight but it will have to wait until next week. I realize I am seriously lonely and bored sometimes. I need a challenge that doesn't include getting someone to not to tie their shoes twenty times a day. (One of my clients at the job site.)Especially when Toni goes off and shows she has a life of her own.
I wanted to see if anyone at the Italian group would help me translate this book my father got from his friend in Avellino last year. His childhood friend became a professor and wrote this book about Sera, the region in which Avellino is located. The title is La Casa Di Santo Sasso which means the house of Saint Sasso but I don't know what Saint Sasso is and I'm pretty curiuos because I want to know if theres anything in there about the years in Avellino during or after World War II. I translated the first page and it was really hard because there were tons of metaphors and details about acorns and oaks and herbs and the clay of the soil of the earth. It was a challenge and I need help.

This is what I always wanted to know about my grandparents. I want to know how they became fascists and what their feelings were about it. But I'll never know because they're gone. This matters to me a lot because of my feelings about race and fairness. As a child I always heard a lot of racist ignorance in my family and I remember wondering why and always questioning it. Mussolini's fascist army were responsible for going into Ethiopia and bombing with mustard gas. My grandfather was one of Mussolini's army and I think I heard that he did go to Ethiopia during the war and I know that he also ended up in an American prisoner of war camp which left my grandmother a single parent for a time. There were times she had two or three jobs just to support the family. 

I  met a woman from Ethiopia at the Bahai center a couple of years ago. She told me what her grandfather told her about what the Italian fascists did at that time. They poisened the Ethiopians at this big dinner they held for them to pretend they were friends.That's stuff you never hear about in the history books. These are things that have always bothered me and always seemed wrong to me. I obviously did not go along with the rascism in my family. But I went the opposite way and pretended not to see a problem relationship because I was intent on trying to be fair. Well more than fair I guess you could say. Anyway I want to know whats in that book  I doubt it will be as pertinant to what exactly I want to know but maybe it's a start. I think that Fascism happened because,"everyone was doing it." and it was troublesome to hold out on it and dissent. Thats what I picked up from reading Primo Levi's biography. He was jewish and his parents were fascists! There's an older couple in that Barnes and Noble Italian group that were discussing fascism one night but I didn't get the gist of all they were saying.

I think to the mainstream modern population in America all this history is just that. History. But it still happens in government. When you look carefully at the George Bush Agenda and the War on the Poor. It's not the war on poverty. It is a war on the poor. When you look at the way federal aid was handed out to some victims of Hurricane Katrina but not others you will know that it's not over yet. Things are still far from fair and could get workse if we don't pay attention. That from someone with A.D.D. It's time to pay attention.